Bartok had it right!
I’m convinced stress is bad for me what with the IVF starting again, as my period has started and the house moving and just everything. I’m not dealing well with anything at the moment.
My brain is not kind to me. I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent articulate woman. I know that my chances of getting pregnant naturally are pretty low (there is obviously something wrong or I would be pregnant by now). Especially at the moment when the husband is away during the week. However, for some weird reason I still have this little voice in my head every month going maybe, just maybe it’ll have worked this time. This is obviously not helped when the length of my cycle varies between 27 and 30 days (on average – I’ve had cycles as short as 26 days and ones as long as 34, though these were over a year ago now). This means anything longer than 28 days and I start to get that little voice going “your period is late, you’re pregnant” and while I try to suppress these thoughts and refuse point blank to take a test until I’m really late (I define this as longer than the longest cycle I’ve ever had – seems sensible) now and again it just doesn’t work.
This month I was utterly convinced – I had all the usual PMS symptoms sore breasts for a fortnight, aches and pains down below etc. But I also had a new symptom nausea. This is something I’ve never had with my PMS and I’m seriously unhappy it’s started now. It’s bad enough I have a fortnight a month of pains (not particularly bad pains but that’s not the point) without feeling sick as well. So anyhow the felling sick and the day after day of no period (in reality I started on Day 31 making it a 30 day cycle again so perfectly normal for me) had convinced me I was pregnant. So when I started bleeding yesterday I was devastated and didn’t know how to handle myself. I just cried for hours when I got home yesterday evening.
Still I managed to book myself in for a baseline scan, eventually. Just to double check on the possible polyp they discovered in the prelude to the fresh cycle, which apparently wasn’t there when they came to the blastocyst insertion. And then it all begins again with a frozen cycle. We’re hoping we can get away with not using drugs this time but we won’t know for certain until we talk to one of the nurses after the scan.
And then just to top everything up the house move is driving me insane. There’s some paperwork which needs to be done on our current house (I can’t do it the house is not in my name) and my husband is apparently too busy to take ten minutes out of his day to fill it in and send it back to the solicitor. It’s a tick box form for goodness sake, the only boxes that need filling in I gave him the answers to. He just needs to do it and sign it. But he is apparently much too busy.
With the new house we’ve had a survey done which have thrown up a couple of red markers. We need to get somebody to look into this. I’m assuming a builder but how do you find a builder in an area you don’t know? My husband was going to check with his uncle a builders merchant but seems unable to do this despite currently living with him. I suppose he could ask around in work as well. There must be someone in a big organisation like the one he’s working for who’ve had building works done on their house. And while I know that the red flags aren’t huge. They still worry me. I don’t know anything about buildings, neither does my husband. I want things looked at and my husband is on the spot. I just don’t understand why he won’t make time to look into things. Especially when he can see how upset it’s all making me.
To be fair to the Lost Astronomer he’s taking on a new job and still working on his OU coursework and is now revising for some exams which are happening next month. But the thing is I feel abandoned and I’m the one doing the majority of the communication with regards to the house. When I ask him to do anything he says he’ll do it but when I check he’s usually not had time to do it.
So between everything I’m stressed, I’m tired (not sleeping too well) and I’m by myself most evenings. And just to top everything off I have a job interview tomorrow morning for a job I’m not even sure I want. I applied for it as I have the right skill set and knew I could do it, but it’s very similar to the job I currently have which I’m not that fussed on. We’ll see I can always say no. Though the way my brain is acting at the moment I doubt I’ll even get the chance to say no.