So until now babies haven’t been a problem for me. Probably because there haven’t been any in the last couple of years. The last baby born to my family was two in February. When he was born I still thought we’d get a baby of our own any day now… Well, nine months from any day now, you know what I mean! By the time I knew nature wasn’t going to cooperate I was already in love with all the small people in my life. I love children and have a huge amount of fun with them! Also the stuff they come out with keeps me in stitches.*
However I haven’t held a proper baby in years. There weren’t any. Yesterday we had a family party to celebrate my grandmother in law’s 80th birthday. It was great and a good chance to catch up with various members of the husband’s family. Among them his Uncle’s brand new daughter who was only 15 days old. She was a beautiful baby with a pile of dark hair which I was really impressed by. She was also an incredibly good baby. She slept through most of the day, only cried when she had reason to and endured being passed around all the female family members without a fuss.
I had a couple of holds and she was lovely, there’s nothing like a new baby. It always amazes me how soft everything about them are. There’s nothing like the softness of new baby skin. And I was fine, I felt a bit sad because where’s mine? – but I was fine. Until my mother in law handed baby over to the Lost Astronomer, saying how holding babies was catching. That hurt a bit as she knows that we had IVF, and she knows it didn’t work – and being a nurse she knows babies aren’t catching, unfortunately (or possibly fortunately considering your viewpoint). But I was still ok until I saw said baby in my husband’s arms, that upset me. Just because I want to see our baby in his arms. I just really wish his aunty hadn’t given my arm a sympathetic rub at that point (she also knows about the IVF). So I had to visit the loo for a bit just so as not to embarrass myself in front of everyone. I really didn’t want to explain to the wider family why I was falling apart. Having immediate family and a few well chosen others know is hard enough. So I pulled myself together and carried on with the day. The best thing is I don’t think anyone noticed. Well the husband did, but he does know me incredibly well to be fair. Hopefully next time it will be easier.
I refuse to cut babies and small people out of my life. It’s like admitting defeat. Not to mention the whole, what if a baby never happens scenario? What then? Do I avoid every baby born for the rest of my life?
Between us we have six siblings. There will be nieces and nephews at some point. My cousin’s children are smart, aware little people who are so much fun. Cutting babies out of my life would be spiting myself. I love kids, and if I can’t have my own I will love and cherish those who don’t belong to me directly instead. It can’t be the same but it’s something and I will enjoy seeing how the little people that belong to our extended family grow up! Even if I do grumble and grump a bit on occasion…
*Visiting my uncle the other day, his two year old grandson who I’m great friends with gave me a telling off. To put this into context he loves animals and had a farm full of toy ones on the coffee table. However nobody is allowed to touch his animals, they’re his. And he has great trouble with second cousins, fathers and other relatives moving them out of their assigned space. I got a bit bored of just sitting on the floor watching him play and not being allowed to participate so I curled up on the sofa for a bit. Next thing I know the mini-dictator was all “Aunty Crumpets! Wake up. No sleeping. On the floor!” pointing to the floor so I’d get down and play with him. This has amused me for at least a fortnight…!