As I mentioned a week or so ago I’m really not happy in this job. To be fair it’s probably not the job itself, as such. It’s more me having hit a brick wall. I’ve had enough of librarianing. I really have. It’s just what do I do next? Can I really justify resigning when there’s nothing that’s actually wrong with the job itself?
My current stress levels are through the roof probably not helped by the birth of a friend’s child over the weekend. Though I do think the husband blames the baby on my falling apart more than I do. I don’t think it’s helped but I’ve been like this for the past month or two anyway. Falling apart at every little thing and half the time falling apart because of nothing.
House buying, IVF (and the current lack of) and a new job doing something I really don’t want to do anymore is a bad combination. It doesn’t look like much when it’s written down like that. But it feels like a hell of a lot. It feels as if the only bit of control I have over any of that is whether to quit or not. And while I want to I have no idea what to do instead. I’ll be bored in the house all day, at least once (if) everything is sorted. It’s not as if there’s babies to look after.
Thing is I never wanted a career I wanted a family. And now I’m stuck. I can’t easily start a new career just in case things do work out but I can’t stand any more of this one either. What do I do?
We can afford for me to resign. But at the same time I’m a bit concerned that I won’t ever leave the house even IF I know it’s good for me. I’m not a social person at the best of times (hence why librarianing REALLY doesn’t suit me – anybody who thinks being a librarian, or more accurately in this day and age an Information Manager is a nice quiet job suitable for introverts you are so very wrong!) but at the moment the idea of going into social situations even with people I know has me in tears* While we can afford for me to resign there are things we’d like to do to the house, kitchen/bathroom/put in a fire place (homes need fire places) and all of this would have to be put on the back burner for a while until we manage to save up enough. Could take a lot longer than I’d like.
Then there’s the guilt. I’d feel guilty if I was in the house all day not earning anything and probably making a mess (we are messy people and never more so than when we are at home during the day.) I’d feel guilty because while I like the idea of being a housewife I’m just not tidy enough to be one. And it’s not as if I can turn around and go blame the child. Incidentally, can messiness skip a generation? I also feel as if my family while they’d support me through anything, they’re good like that would be secretly disappointed. And I’m even more concerned that the husband’s family would think that I’m sponging off of him while not working myself for no reason whatsoever.
I’d also feel guilt towards my colleagues. They’re nice enough people and they’ve only just managed to get the team up to full strength after a long time with not enough people. I would feel bad about this, it’s not their fault that I’m completely round the twist and just can’t settle in a decent job, that a lot of people would be really grateful to have.
However, I think, emphasis on think, that I would feel better in myself as I’d have that much less to worry about. I wouldn’t be stuck in a job I have no interest in and would be able to start looking into other things. Although, I really wish that you didn’t have to have specific training for every single career I’ve vaguely looked at. It’s a lot to invest in something to end up in exactly the same situation down the line. If I could help it I’d stay away from an office environment or any big organisations. I’ve come to the conclusion these aren’t for me. Especially the big organisations. I don’t see that I have much choice when it comes to working in an office. There just isn’t anything that I’m currently qualified for where I could work elsewhere. Not that there are that many jobs where you don’t work in an office in this day and age but still.
One of the main reasons I think I’m so against this job is that it feels a bit made up, as has every other library job I’ve ever had. It’s making work for the sake of work. Creating paperwork just because. There’s no real reason for any of it. It’s basically pointless. But what can I do instead? Ideas anyone?
Please forgive this rambling all over the place post!
*I’m meant to go to a BBQ next weekend at some of the husband’s friends. They’re a nice enough couple but I don’t want to go. To be fair this is normal for me, except usually I can force myself to go through the motions and I will next week except it’s so much harder than it’s ever been before. Usually once I’m there I mostly enjoy, and hopefully this trend will continue. The thing is I’m not usually in tears a week before hand at the mere thought of going, and just to put the tin hat on everything my period is due around about the same time. I can’t even argue us out of going as it happens to fall on my husband’s birthday and this is the only way he’ll get to spend time with his close friends on the day. Though to be honest the fact that it’s his birthday probably doesn’t help, I’d prefer to spend the day just us but it not being my birthday I shall be good and do what the Lost Astronomer wants to do.