How to kill you career in one fell swoop:
1. Start a new job.
2. Hand in your notice less than a month later.
So, I decided to just quit. Well, hand in my notice, anyhow. I’ll still be a civil servant for the next month or so, but after that I shall be jobless. And I chose to do this. Finally, I have proof that I’m an idiot. I know I really don’t want to work in a library/information environment again but I don’t know what I want to do instead – so, as opposed to being sensible and exploring my options, I quit. I’m glad but I’m also scared, especially as I feel that leaving after a month closes more doors than it opens.
My mum has made it perfectly obvious that she thinks I’m mad! Mostly because I don’t have a properly valid reason for resigning. I don’t think my mother gets how worked up I am about everything, or – more to the point – doesn’t understand why I’m so worked up. “It’s not as if you’re currently undergoing IVF right now”, (which, to be fair, I’m not – this doesn’t seem to help though) and “everybody moves, it’s not that bad”. This did not make me feel better. Especially as she then went on to say how I never talk to her about things and that it’s not natural. And how I’d hurt her feelings by not being sociable when I was home over the weekend.
The problem is we are very similar people and always read more into things than is actually meant. I always feel as if my mother is judging me, so I don’t tell her things. Not important things, just… things. On the other hand, my mother sees this as a sign that I don’t like her, especially if I happen to discuss things with my siblings and not with her. It’s a no-win situation. And it drives me mad; drives her mad as well, to be fair…
I told my friends today, who took it rather better – probably because I tell them more about what’s going on with my emotions than I tell my mum. One of my friends phoned me this evening for a proper chat and that helped a lot. She recommended a councelling website which I’m contemplating. I haven’t decided yet, not sure I like the idea of pouring my problems out at a random strangers’ feet.
But anyhow it seems to me that I’ve stepped off the map and I’m now lost somewhere, waiting for a new one to turn up. That or I’ll have to take up Cartography in a big way. We’ll see.